THE TEN-POINT PLAN

IN RESPONSE TO FRANCE'S 'LEBANONISATION'

1. Furrowed brows from politicians, with stern (even blood-curdling) statements of how 'violence can never win'.

2. Articles from the guilty party (i.e. left-liberals) discussing colonial guilt, the peaceful nature of most Muslims, the need to spend more money.

3. Distinguished smartarse historians sneering at populist worries and observing that violence was far worse in the 18th century.

4. Some dumb candle-lit march expressing solidarity and peace. Many in Palestinian kaftans.

5. Dinghies arriving in Dover, so that we can 'share the burden of immigration from war-torn France'.

6. Some Arabist clown ex-FO berk makes a BBC series about how Islam invented science, philosophy and galloping dysentery.

7. Yasmin Jalfrezi-Brown appears on Question Time, fulminating against Islamophobia.

8. Ahmed Salami - Islamic scholar - is made Oxford's new Chancellor.

9. Numerous attacks in England. Gleefully attributed to far-right terror-groups by the BBC, until sudden silence when the assailant is identified as Mohamad A, of Slough. He is 'suffering from mental-health issues'.

10. Eid celebrations planned by the new Labour government. 'Tougher' legislation on 'hate' speech and freedom of assembly, with complete exemptions for Muslims.