THE JAGUAR MANAGEMENT SHAKE-UP

AND GEOFF JEFFERSON

With the unsurprising news that Jaguar are shedding 500 management jobs, my thoughts and worries naturally turned to Geoff Jefferson. I first met this buffoonish but likable chap at St Anne’s College, Oxford, where we studied Geography, matriculating in the first year men were admitted (1979).

Both of us were press-ganged into attending this fearsome place: Geoff was swooped from a kebab bar in his home town of Hinckley, and I was frog-marched from an M1 service station. So similar was ‘Stan’s cafe’, I only realised I was there after six-months looking for my car:

Some may recall that Geoff masterminded the iconic Jaguar relaunch, transforming it into an international laughing stock - a byword for trans-activism, lurid colours, creepy models - and confirming that ancient parable (attributed to St Augustine of Hippo): ‘Go woke and go broke.’

Yesterday, I nervously called the Jefferson residence, fearing the worst. Geoff’s long-suffering wife Geoffolina eventually answered, clearly ‘one over the eight’ and in high spirits.

In the background, I could hear Geoff and his gruesome boss Bill Cheddar, belting out ‘Simply the Best’ and Erasure disco numbers. To my gathering amazement, it was obvious that Geoff had prospered in the corporate slaughter, lavishly rewarded for losing 98% of sales.

Over a lengthy and incoherent conversation, Geoff informed me he’s now Strategic Director for the key-growth markets of North Korea, Transnistria, South Sudan and Somalia. He’s also heading a government panel on ‘smashing the gangs’ behind our Dover invasion, with promises of a knighthood and seat in the Lords, if numbers increase by no more than 98%.

Apparently, ‘Two Queer’ Keir has been following Jaguar’s triumph with admiration, and wants to ‘freshen our approach' to cultural enrichment and mass rape:

Geoff’s the man!

Is it any surprise Blighty is heading down the pan?